Katharina Horn knows all about the challenges and prejudices single mothers by choice face in their daily lives. She is a single mother by choice herself as well as a clinical social worker and fertility counsellor who supports many women on their journey towards single motherhood. She also provides a network for single mothers all over Germany and has founded the association “Solomütter Deutschland e.V.” to give single mothers a voice in politics. We have asked her some questions about the prejudices single mothers by choice often meet, and how she thinks we can break the taboos around sperm donation, single parenting, and donor conceived families. 

In your opinion, why do more and more women decide to become single mothers by choice? 

Some might say that solo motherhood is a trend, but I don't see it that way. In 2018, there was a major law launched in Germany called the Sperm Donor Register Act. Before that law very few doctors treated single women in Germany, but since then the number of clinics where singles can be treated has increased which means that women no longer have to travel abroad. 

The more stories we have of single mothers by choice with their children, the more people can picture and adapt this path for themselves. In my opinion as more people hear about this new option, it becomes an option for them as well. 

Can you try to describe the biggest doubts and fears of single mothers by choice when they are about to start their journey towards parenthood?   

A lot of people ask themselves; will I be able to do this? Is my network big enough? What if I get sick? What if I don't manage to provide financial support for my child? Some ask themselves: Will my child develop well, or will it suffer along the way? What if my child asks about the father? How do I explain it to my child? When do I explain it? How do I talk to those around me about it? And of course, many people ask themselves what if it doesn't work?

Why do you think it can be difficult for single women to talk openly about their wish to have a baby with their friends, family, and co-workers?   

Many people are faced with the dilemma of not wanting to share too many private things about their lives. The fact that a child was born from a sperm donation is also felt to be a private matter. For the child's development, however, it is essential to talk to the child at an early stage about the concept of family building with the help of sperm donation. The child should feel normal and not “different”. But a child cannot feel normal if only mum mentions the donor, if other people (grandma, teacher, friend, daycare parent) are unsure because they don't know how to talk about it.  

Which prejudices are single mothers by choice sometimes met by?  

I think the biggest prejudice that solo mothers face is that it's selfish to have a child on your own. It is not done „the normal way “, not intended by God, against nature. Their child will suffer just because they absolutely wanted to have a child (and now they raise it without a man). For some people it seems like the child will have the job to make the mother happy, cure her loneliness, replace a partner. Another prejudice is that single mothers hate men. Because they are single, they are not normal, they have done something wrong. They are not able to have relationships.   

I think single motherhood is one path to family among many other paths, which of course doesn't suit everyone. Being single is not a mistake, it is not abnormal. On the contrary, why should single mothers force themselves into a relationship just because they want to have children? Why do so many people say: This is the better way? I know many single mothers who are very proud of their decision and have great solo mother families. 

Where do you think these prejudices come from? 

This form of family building is still very young. I think traditional ideas about what family means clash with the colourful and diverse in our society. Sometimes there are also assumptions that the children will develop poorly because in the past children were often not informed about sperm donation from their parents, and there are many stories from these children, who are now adults, that describe what this has done to them. In the worst case, even identity crises. But that's precisely why it's important to educate children early on, so that the child can experience that starting a family through sperm donation is something normal right from the start and does not have to experience any surprises regarding their identity. 

What do you think about this prejudice: “Single mothers by choice are incapable of providing everything a child needs without a partner”? 

In short, family is where love is. Children need reliable people who love them. I think father and mother are gender stereotyped roles that are linked to certain tasks. Children of solo mothers learn that they do not need such roles and can develop freely from them. There are no studies that show that children without fathers develop worse, just because of the absence of the father. No study shows that you need a male and female parent. We shouldn't draw any conclusions about classic single-parent families where one partner was in the family and then left - that's a completely different situation with completely different consequences and effects.  
I know many single mothers who have put together a very large network. But that's the point if you’re not willing to talk about this path, if you don't have the courage to talk openly to others about it, if you’re maybe ashamed then it will be difficult to approach other people and expand your network. 

What do you think makes a family? 

In our association “Solomütter Deutschland e.V.”  there is currently a discussion about the definition: Family = one child + one adult + x. The second plus can stand for nobody, for one person or any number of people. But if we move away from definitions, for me family means love, connectedness, reliability, and loyalty. I also prefer the word “framily” (friends and family). This means that there doesn’t need to be any genetic connection. 

How do you think we can break the taboos around sperm donation, single parenting, and donor conceived families? 

What we need is more research. There is little research conducted on adult children after sperm bank donation from single mothers. We already know a lot about children who were told late or never about the sperm donation by their own parents. Not knowing the truth has harmed those children.  
But today, we have a different approach to this topic. And many people who have never had anything to do with the topic of sperm donation don't even know this difference. Here in Germany, there is no longer any anonymous sperm donation, and I personally recommend education from birth onwards. For me, education begins during pregnancy when the first questions arise. 

In Germany there are still some clinics that are not willing to treat singles, doctors who say that women have to go abroad because it is not allowed in Germany, or worse, that they should just look for a man in the club. We need more education in society overall. And more stories or examples of Single-mother families.   

What do you hope to see in the future?

I think our future theme will be to say goodbye to the classic heteronormative traditional image of family. Every family is normal. It is good and healthy to choose a path to starting a family that is consistent with your inner values and attitudes, and not to choose a path because it has always been that way or society says: Ok, you´re 35 - if you don´t have a partner right now, you have failed.