Maria is a graphic designer from Portugal who is living with her Norwegian wife in Copenhagen. They have been together for 6 years, and they are both longing to start a family. 

“Having a baby is such a big decision that we both take very seriously. In our situation, it brings many considerations that other couples are not necessarily faced with, such as choosing a sperm donor, which adds a lot of weight to the process.” 

Fear, Excitement, and Hope

Who Is Carrying the Baby?

For Maria and her wife, it was quite easy to decide which one of them is going to carry the pregnancy because Maria has a strong desire to become pregnant and experience childbirth and breastfeeding. 
 
“I've always wanted to be the one carrying the baby. I have a very caring personality, and I think it’s such an important and magical thing. I would love to feel the baby grow and getting the connection through the process of breastfeeding. My partner feels like she doesn’t need to carry the baby to be a mum, so for us that part was an easy choice.” 

As Maria is going to be the one receiving treatment and carrying the baby, it’s important to her that her wife gets to feel equally part of the process and will be able to see herself in the coming baby. 

“I want my partner to feel like she's a very big part of the process. So, when we are looking into sperm donors, we are trying to find someone who resembles her somehow, in personality and looks, and she gets to make the final decision.” 

Picking the Right Sperm Donor

Currently, the couple is in the process of picking a sperm donor which seems to be a greater challenge for them. There are so many different options and possibilities, and even though they are both very open-minded, they quickly realised that they had to take a lot of different things into consideration when making this decision. 

“Our baby is going to have two mums, one from Portugal and one from Norway, and in addition we are living in Denmark. Therefore, it’s important to us that the sperm donor resembles us in some way and doesn’t add to the confusion. That’s also why we wanted a Norwegian donor initially.” 

Other than the child having some kind of physical resemblance to them, the personality and the values of the sperm donor also turned out to be very important to both of them. 

Me and my partner are actually quite different in terms of personality, although we share the same values. We have been thinking a lot about how the personality of the donor might impact the personality of the child, and if it is important to try to get a donor with a personality that fits well with ours. On the other hand, the child will be raised by us, so naturally the values will be there, which we consider the most important. Maybe we shouldn’t worry about this at all.” 

Breaking the Stigma around Same-Sex Families

For Maria and her wife, it has been important to involve their network of friends from the very beginning. They have been open and honest about their wish to start a family even though it can sometimes be a sensitive issue to discuss. Luckily, they haven’t met any judgement or prejudices yet, and they hope that being open and transparent can also help break some of the stigma that they know still exists around same-sex families and sperm donation. 

“I'm quite a social person, and I have been very open about this whole process with my colleagues and friends. I think their support is important, and I want to tell them how I feel - what is good, and what is difficult. I also think that I have the power to make some changes in terms of awareness around this topic, and I'm trying to use that power. My parents are a little bit more conservative, so I have a harder time expressing myself emotionally with them.” 

Family Has Nothing to Do with DNA

“I don’t think you necessarily have to share any DNA to be a family. You can have a much closer connection to someone you are not related to than you have to some people from your own family, right? For me family is very much about giving love and respect and being there for each other without any judgement.”